The Funniest Excuses Ever!

Forget “The dog ate my homework.” These inspired whoppers will leave you shaking your head—and laughing.

By Noah Gebstadt Published Feb 7, 2021 20:33:36 IST
2021-02-07T20:33:36+05:30
2021-02-07T20:33:36+05:30
The Funniest Excuses Ever! Illustrations by Mike Lowery
"Hey! Sorry, but I’m running a bit late. I’m heading out the door right now, I promise. I just need to get out of bed, shower really quick and then stare at my closet for 10 minutes as I air-dry."
"Five minutes out, I swear. I just need to paint my room. It’ll take, like, three minutes, tops."
"Around the corner! Just have to pop into a bookstore to buy and then read The Goldfinch. I never got around to it, and I heard it was really good. No spoilers. :)"
"Ah! I’m on my way. I had to perform an exorcism on my neighbour’s dog. I think it’s one of those golden retriever/poodle mixes. Anyway, she had a demon from hell inside of her, so whatcha gonna do—am I right?!"
Literally crossing the street now. I had to stop for a snack. I was craving an apple, so I went to an orchard in the country. I’ll tell you all about it when I get there, which is going to be very soon."
"I’m SO sorry—three minutes away. I had to wrap production on my indie movie. I think you’re really going to dig the story. There’s already award-season buzz."
"Truly a block away! Remember that demonic golden doodle? Well, her owner and I fell in love and got married. We had a child really quick."
"Trains are awful. But I’m still coming! I hopped off and got on a boat. The boat was hit by a rogue wave, and it capsized. We all washed ashore on an island. Things have become pretty political and the survivors have split into factions. I’ve been made leader of one of the groups. We’re going to have a final showdown on the beach to see who gets control over our very limited supplies, but then I’m heading right over!"
"Truly close now. I ended up walking the wrong way and saw a notorious Mafia don whacked in an alleyway. The police had to put me into witness protection under the name Hubert Tingleman. I now own a small but successful hardware store on Main Street in Harlan, Iowa. Mum’s the word on that, though."
"Hey! Don’t hate me, but I thought you were talking about the café on the corner near my apartment. I didn’t realize that you wanted to meet at the one near your place. That might be a little too far for me—I’m pretty pooped. You think we could take a rain check for next weekend? Love you lots!"
 
From newyorker.com (1 June 2019), Copyright © 2019 by Noah Gebstadt.
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