Allow Me to Mansplain ...

There’s a fine line between educating someone on a subject and being an overbearing bore. I trampled that line a long time ago. Just the other day, my wife and I were discussing how painful childbirth is.

Scratch that. I was discussing how painful childbirth is; the person who actually gave birth to a child was rolling her eyes.

“I [that would be me] would have to say the pain is akin to the sensation of having your insides ripped apart by two gerbils fighting over a lettuce leaf. That, or watching an eight-year-old trying to tell a joke. But even those examples don’t capture the agony.”

Jennifer rolled her eyes in the direction of the TV remote and picked it up.

“The thing I can best compare it to is the time …”

She turned on Netflix, found Shogun and fast-forwarded to a samurai fight scene.

“ … my brand-new sneakers chafed my corns …”

She raised the volume to 62.

“Yes, that’s the closest comparison I can make to childbirth …”

To 77.

“You see … YOU SEE, CHILDBIRTH—MUCH LIKE CHAFED CORNS …”

She hit mute.

“ … IS VERY PAIN … ful.”

“I have a suggestion,” she said, in a voice that led me to believe this was no mere suggestion, but an order to be carried out immediately. “Why don’t you write an article about mansplaining?”

“Did you know that mansplaining is a portmanteau of 'man' and 'explaining' and describes the act in which a man provides a condescending explanation of something to a woman who already understands it?”

“Yes.”

“Well, did you know this? Women such as yourself don’t much care for mansplaining.”

I had no idea the volume on our TV could reach 147.

Mansplaining is not new. It’s been around since the first caveman told the first cavewoman how to braise a saber-toothed tiger. She responded with a polite nod, then proceeded to cook the beast the way Mama Neanderthal had taught her.

Women, of course, don’t like man-splaining because the little dears think they’re being condescended to. What women don’t get is that men mansplain to everyone, including each other. Go to any bar and you’ll find some guy off in the corner drunksplaining to other patrons, bartenders and his Budweiser about politics (“They’re all idiots! Hic!”), computers (“You gotta unplug it for 30 seconds ... hic! ... then plug it back in!”), the weather (“I’m tellin’ ya, it’s a dry heat!!! Hic! Hic!”).

But it’s a mistake to think that only men partake. We are a nation of ’splainers. Today, ’splaining knows no gender, has no political affiliation, and is a fan of every sport. TikTok, Insta­gram and dining room tables are awash with opinions and theories—facts and tact be damned.

My wife has joined a native plants page on Facebook. One of the regular posters is constantly ’splaining to the fold about the perils bees face in the modern world. Mind you, this is a fold that knows well the perils bees face. It’s one reason many of them joined the page to begin with. But that doesn’t stop the beesplainer.

My wife: My backyard is shady. Will a spicebush grow there?

Beesplainer: Bees face colony collapse disorder due to human encroachment, pesticides and volatile weather conditions.

MW: Yes, but the spicebush I bought ... will it grow in shade?

BS: Oh, how nice that you’ve found the time to plant a spicebush. I’m sure the bees would love to plant spicebushes, but, you see, they have more pressing matters on their minds, like FACING EXTINCTION!!!!!!

MW: So is that a yes or no on shade for the spicebush?

’Splaining also has no age. No one is more earnest than the teensplainer. Their fertile brains soak up information they’ve heard from some 12-year-old TikTokker, then their little grey cells get to work filtering out any good news.

The teensplainer who lives in my house recently hit me with this factoid: “Did you know life isn’t fair?”

Huh ... not fair, you say? Life? How did that news slip past me?!

I’ve been ’splained to so often you’d think I’d be the most knowledgeable person on earth. But apparently, I need more ’splaining. Here are a few of the ’splanations I’ve been on the ­receiving end of:

• “Here’s a joke: What did 0 say to 8? ‘Nice belt!’ You see, it’s funny ­because … ”I get it.
• “Although 'Let It Be' was the last album the Beatles released, 'Abbey Road' was the last album they ­recorded …”Yes, I was the one driving when we listened to that podcast.
• “You’re doing it wrong.”I figured that out when the bookshelf collapsed on my foot.
• “The problems in the Middle East can all be solved if only …”So you’re the one who’s been hiding the peace plan!
• “It is true that 76 trombones led the big parade. However, it would behoove you to remember that 110 cornets were close at hand.”Thanks, I played third glockenspiel in my school’s fourth-grade production of The Music Man.
• “You’re still doing it wrong. Let me show you …”!!!!!

’Splaining has become big business, with some ’splainers awarding themselves the title ‘influencer’ so you can now be bored by a professional. Even a seasoned non-profit ’splainer such as I can bridle at being lectured. But if I am to be lectured, here are a few topics I wish someone would ’splain to me:

• Why the word for fear of long words is hippopotomonstrosesquipp­edaliophobia.
• Why film, TV and book critics use the word delicious even though they’re not talking about food.
• Why doctors insist on being called Doctor away from the office, yet, at parties, refuse to look down your throat when you tell them you’re not feeling well.
• Why dog owners wrap kerchiefs around their pets’ necks. Does a dog see itself in the mirror and think, Blue paisley is exactly the accent my black and beige spots need to really pop!?
• Why some people pronounce often as ‘off-ten’.

These are just some of the things that need ’splaining, and fast. I could go on and on and on and on and on. But I suspect you already know that.