What your purr-y friend wants to tell you
We, your most excellent and unbiased cats, have been experiencing ongoing relational issues with you, which we’d like to resolve promptly. We have compiled legitimate scientific litter-ature below. We trust it will help to guide you in improving your behaviour.
WHEN A MEOW BECOMES A ME ME MEOW Your cats meow not to call attention to themselves but to your selfish ‘me, me, me’ attitude. When you ‘have’ to spend a solid three hours staring at your laptop screen because you’re ‘working’, that’s time your cat isn’t getting pet or fed— which is rude, and many studies have proven so.
HAVE YOU HURT THEIR FELINES? It’s not your cats’ responsibility to withdraw their claws—rather, every human in the home should instead wear thick, protective pants. When you ask your felines not to use your legs as scratching posts, you ask them to deny themselves one of life’s greatest joys. This is basic statistics.
SOMETIMES JOKES ARE MORE THAN JUST KITTEN AROUND Should your cats step on your computer keyboard during an important video meeting, that is a hilarious joke and it is your responsibility to find it funny. If they knock your laptop off the table while doing so, it is not ‘destructive behaviour’, it is simply commitment to the bit. Fact.
DON’T ASSUME IT’S HISS-TERIA It is extremely important that your cats express themselves loudly and at 4 a.m. When you shut them out of your room, you shut them out emotionally. Evidence suggests that a cat’s sleep is directly proportional to a human’s lack of it.
ADDRESSING CALICO-DEPENDENT TENDENCIES Do not rely on your cats to fulfill superfluous needs such as affection, or for your glassware to remain intact. But please note that if a cat is sleeping on or near you, it is best practice not to disturb them ever (source: Health Canada).
REMEMBER TO HAVE ALL DISCUSSIONS IN A NEUTER-AL PLACE So often your cats meet you where you’re at: on the bed, on the toilet or on a crucial phone call. But when do you ever meet them where they’re at: on a cat tree, on a countertop or on a windowsill? The answer, according to a recent survey, is never. Come on, human!
ARE YOU PRACTISING FUR-GIVENESS? If something breaks—let’s say, hypothetically speaking, a bowl you once described as ‘the only worthwhile thing I ever made in pottery class’—that bowl is certainly of less value compared to the unbroken trust between you and your cats. An unbiased study on this exact topic states, “The bowl was boring and immobile. Then for three seconds it was unspeakably interesting. Now it is in pieces. Get over it.”
FINALLY, WHENEVER POSSIBLE, REMEMBER TO COMPRO-MICE Your cats bring you joy, comfort and the occasional prey. In return, it is recommended you bring them treats, scritches and unyielding loyalty. Remember, 10 out of 10 therapists agree that you are wrong and your cat is right.
P.S. Okay you figured it out, human. We, your most cherished and feared cats, made up all those expert studies. We are not proud of our deception. Oh wait, we misspoke. We are very proud of it. To be honest, it was pretty cat-thartic.
*ACTUAL AUTHOR: CASSIE BARRADAS