"That Reminds Me Of A Joke ..."
At a loss for words? Humour you can use anytime, anywhere
Adult’s Birthday Party
Obstacle: Someone you love is a year older and isn’t happy about it.
Goal: Whether he or she is turning 20 or 100, celebrate the occasion with some good-natured ribbing. Deep down, while you never hear anybody admit it, we all love jokes about getting older. After all,getting older is the objective.
A man brags to a friend about his new hearing aid. “It’s the most expensive one I’ve ever had—it cost me $3,500!”
His friend asks, “What kind is it?”
The braggart says, “Half past four.”
Kid’s Birthday Party
Obstacle: An audience of ladies, gentlemen and children of all ages.
Goal: Telling a joke suitable for kids—and one that isn’t so cute it makes adults ill.
A snail was slithering along the street one day when he was attacked by two turtles. Later, the cops asked, “Did you get a good look at the turtles who did this to you?”
“No, it all happened so fast.”
Obstacle: These people have seen you at your worst—braces, zits and gym class. You now have an opportunity to dispel old opinions.
Goal: Clever wordplay gags will mark you as an erudite person of the world and not the dolt who thought the name of the great Greek philosopher was PlayDoh.
What do you call it when two egotists butt heads?
—An I for an I.
What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he ordered a martini?
—Olive or Twist?
What’s a shotgun wedding?
—A case of wife or death! (Okay, that’s enough.)
Obstacle: You’ve swung at the ball 12 times and all you’ve succeeded in doing is giving it windburn.
Goal: Time to step back and change the subject by telling a joke about a golfer with a greater handicap than yours.
Stevie Wonder meets Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is a golfer. “When I tee off,” the blind musician explains, “I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim.”
Tiger’s skeptical, but when Stevie suggests that they play a round for $1,00,000 Tiger readily accepts, figuring it’s the easiest 100 grand he’ll ever make.
“So when do you want to play?” Stevie shrugs, “Pick any night.”
Obstacle: Good news—that patent for the improved mousetrap finally came through, making you the family success story. Unfortunately, the second cousin, the one who invented the improved mouse, is unamused.
Goal: A self-deprecating joke will show everyone that success hasn’t gone to your head.
The other day, I went to work with both ears bandaged. My boss asked what happened.
“I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!”
“That explains one ear”, said my confused boss. “But what about the other?”
“The person called back!”
Obstacle: Does he have a sense of humour? If so, is he Seinfeld-funny or Vladimir Putin-funny?
Goal: You’re doing two things with this:
A) Trying to show your date that you’re not a humourless dork;
B) Fishing around to see if he’s a humourless dork.
Since you have a lot to learn about your date in a brief period of time, stick with a one-liner. If he laughs, stay for dessert.
How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game?
None. It only takes Tolkiens.
Obstacle: Your husband’s mother is doing it again: She won’t stop talking about the time he cried on Santa’s lap—at the age of 16!
Goal: Reduce hubby’s anxiety with a joke that states the obvious: The woman may be pushy, but she’s lovably pushy.
A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work. The dog is a brilliant piano player—plays all the standards. He’s sitting there pounding out the notes when all of a sudden a big dog comes in and drags him off the stool and out the door.
The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”
The manager says, “That’s his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.”
Office Christmas Party
Obstacle: Nagging boss, crabby clients, looming deadlines ... if unemployment didn’t pay so badly, you’d choose it as a career. You work so hard none of your co-workers have gotten a chance to know you. This is your one shot to shine.
Goal: Since office parties are all about booze, that means one thing: a bar joke.
How many drunks does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty-one. One to hold the light bulb and 20 to drink until the pub spins.
--From Readers Digest September 2004
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