Dad Jokes ... Ruined by Gentle Parenting
Puns are fun—as long as we respect everyone’s boundaries
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it! And that’s no problem. We don’t have to get everything right on the first try, although I bet that can be frustrating. Do you feel frustrated right now? I do. Let’s take a deep breath and count to 10, and then you can help me finish my construction joke. It’s going to be hilarious.
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays!
Illustration by Emanuel Wiemans
But weekdays each have their own strengths, and they should be proud. For example, Friday is good at being casual, and Tuesday is good at tacos. Can you think of something Monday is good at? No? That’s OK!
What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?
A meltdown!
Illustration by Emanuel Wiemans
Wow, that snowman has some big feelings. I wonder why he acted that way. I bet he feels sad that spring is coming and that he will soon cease to exist. I sure would be. I think the snowman would feel a lot better if he paused and did a mindfulness exercise,...
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it! And that’s no problem. We don’t have to get everything right on the first try, although I bet that can be frustrating. Do you feel frustrated right now? I do. Let’s take a deep breath and count to 10, and then you can help me finish my construction joke. It’s going to be hilarious.
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays!
Illustration by Emanuel Wiemans
But weekdays each have their own strengths, and they should be proud. For example, Friday is good at being casual, and Tuesday is good at tacos. Can you think of something Monday is good at? No? That’s OK!
What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?
A meltdown!
Illustration by Emanuel Wiemans
Wow, that snowman has some big feelings. I wonder why he acted that way. I bet he feels sad that spring is coming and that he will soon cease to exist. I sure would be. I think the snowman would feel a lot better if he paused and did a mindfulness exercise, perhaps noticing the sensations of the soft wool of his hat, the warmth of the sun and … never mind, he’s gone.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles!
Illustration by Emanuel Wiemans
Only as long as the octopus is fine with being tickled. Remember, we should always respect the boundaries of other people and cephalopods. How would you feel if someone tried to tickle you when you didn’t like it? Not very good, right? So next time you encounter an octopus, be sure to ask before drumming your fingers along its slippery body.
At the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over!
But you know what? It’s not nice to push people. As a consequence, I got put in prison, which is a lot like a time-out except it smelled like old pee, and I had a cellmate who was there for … uh, let’s just say “wrongfully tickling an octopus.” The nice judge set a timer for 90 days to let me think about what I did. At least I had time to figure out what Monday is good at—easy New York Times crosswords.
I bought a thesaurus, but all the pages were blank, so I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Whoa, let’s pause here. Can you help me name my emotions? That’s right, I’m mad. But what else? Confused. Annoyed. Yes, good. Thanks, buddy. I’m sorry I scared you—I just really wanted to use this thesaurus to find the right words for my construction joke. But even grown-ups get angry sometimes. We’re all learning.
How do you make a seven even?
Take away the S!
But honey, it’s not OK to take things from others. How would you feel if someone stole one of your essential parts and then made a joke out of it? Whoever took the S should return it and say sorry.
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine!
And sweetie, it is perfectly normal to be scared when your friends cannibalize each other. Six shouldn’t be afraid to cry. I bet Seven would benefit from therapy—he’s been having a tough time ever since someone took away his S and made him even, but that’s no excuse to get even. It’s important to be kind.
Want to hear a construction joke?
I’m no longer working on it.
OK, here goes. How do you move a sleeping cow from a building site? With a bulldozer!
Thanks for laughing, kiddo. You’re the best.
From MCSWEENEYS.NET (13 June 2024) © 2024 by Rachel Reyes