What Happened to Good Manners?

IN THE WORLD we live in now, survival is victory. And we're not talking about surviving wars, or earthquakes, or epidemics, but getting through an average day without whatever hair you have left standing completely on end. How long does it take, on any given day, before you're gritting your teeth and reminding yourself not to lose your cool and unleash your inner Genghis Khan? Under the constant onslaught of other people's everyday intrusions, from spam SMS-es to intimate strangers on public transport, are we all turning into grumbling misanthropes? Has the world always been like this, or have things been getting steadily worse? And are the people around us as befuddled by us as we are by them? What, in the name of civilization, has happened to people's manners?

In a world that's constantly changing, shrinking, flattening, and always in a hurry, a world where diverse cultures, regions and generations are being mashed together, and where the omnipresence of technology changes human behaviour regularly, it has become hard to define manners. So when we say 'manners' in this article, we don't mean etiquette, or particular ritualized codes of conduct. We're talking about basic civilized behaviour, civic sense, a general empathy and concern for other people, and following very basic rules to make sure we don't ruin the days of people around us. Guidelines that we hope they, in turn, follow when we're around them as well. THIS HAPPENS: You're in a queue at a supermarket checkout counter when a very respectable-looking lady barges past and dumps her groceries in front of the clerk, blithely ignoring the outraged murmurs of everyone waiting patiently in line.

Similar situations: line-cutting everywhere from airports to ticket queues, people breaking our already loose driving guidelines and cramming their cars into the inch of space you need, or stuffing themselves into reserved seats while confidently pretending they're not doing anything Queen Elizabeth would have frowned at.

YOUR IMMEDIATE RESPONSE: Running amok. The temptation to physically lift a queue-breaker and place him or her firmly at the end of the line, with or without pithy comments about their upbringing, is ever present. But according to Aparna Samuel Balasundaram, a Gurgaon-based psychotherapist and family coach, "People are not doing it purposefully. There is not a conscious intent to be rude. Everyone is constantly on a treadmill of life, running a race, and they want to hasten the process and cut corners. We all want to get ahead before everyone else. But the human heart is not getting any darker."

TRY THIS INSTEAD: "Avoid rudeness or shouting, but do not keep silent either-that would mean you are contributing to such behaviour," counsels Balasundaram. And people who get away with this once will become serial offenders. Use an authoritative 'teacher voice', but remain calm while reminding the offender about the existence of the obviously visible queue. And remember that sometimes line-cutting is a result of emergencies.  

Prof V. Raghunathan, PhD, author of Games Indians Play and the forthcoming book A Comprehensive Guide to Queue Jumping for a Good Indian, suggests our tendency to jump queues, whether at service windows or traffic, may partially be a product of the environment. He says, "When people jostle or try to cut queues at the municipal taps or a ticket counter at the local movie hall, it may be 'understandable' to some extent, as the water may go off or the tickets may all be sold before your turn."

THIS HAPPENS: You're at a movie theatre, hoping to enjoy some expensive but rewarding entertainment, when you find someone in your vicinity having a prolonged, loud phone conversation, or kicking your seat incessantly.

Or perhaps your neighbour plays music, whether devotional or heavy metal, incessantly at ear-splitting volumes, at times when only bats should be awake.

YOUR IMMEDIATE RESPONSE: A natural, however, immature, reaction would be the eye-for-an-eye method: to talk even louder, or really test the limits of your own sound system, to demonstrate exactly how annoying this feels. According to Chennai-based psychiatrist and author, Dr Vijay Nagaswami, belligerence affects people differently: "Many people end up being blasé. Some equally rude, loud and brash people tend to return the compliment in kind and not think too much about it. But those who find such behaviour obnoxious, threatening or cringeworthy, end up feeling the most stressed."

TRY THIS INSTEAD: Balasundaram stresses that one needs to respond to these situations practically and smartly. If the ruckus-makers in a movie theatre, for instance, are a bunch of rowdy boys, it's best to just try to ignore them because "Whatever you say is going to fuel the issue. Creating a ruckus is at times part of their purpose other than enjoying the movie." In these situations, talking to the management is better than confrontation. "If it is a smaller group (2-3 people) or a couple chatting away, just say 'I would like to enjoy the movie and you are disturbing me.' They may make one more comment but then they get the message and keep quiet," she adds.

THIS HAPPENS: You're at a wedding, or a social function, and a distant relative (or, in India, a complete stranger) begins a Guantanamo-style interrogation, asking deeply personal questions about your career, income, relationship and reproductive status.Possible additions to this lethal cocktail: physical overfamiliarity, a complete non-acknowledgement of personal space. Alternatively, an unasked-for front-row seat to a loud private argument in a public space.

YOUR IMMEDIATE RESPONSE: This is a problem most of us Indians have faced through our lives, and when we asked our own friends and relatives intrusive questions about how they deal with these situations, they gave us a range of responses they've tried, from outright rage and angry stomps to intentional Shock-and-Awe tactics such as pretending to be gay or pregnant, or to have already got married. None of these, alas, are methods that trained professionals would recommend.

TRY THIS INSTEAD: According to Balasundaram, dealing with intrusive personal questions and overfamiliarity is a fine art, and responses should be calibrated in accordance with the closeness (relationship-wise, not physical) of the interrogator, and the perceived genuineness of their intentions. We should be as honest as possible with people who are asking personal questions out of genuine concern, who we know wish us well. You may completely avoid (politely, of course) answering people who are just looking for gossip or trying to be hurtful. "If they ask 'Why don't you have kids?' say, 'It is a personal choice and we are waiting' (even if it hasn't worked out in spite of trying). Leave it there and very quickly follow it up with a question about them. Distract them and turn the tables to bring them in the limelight. Never lose control of your emotions. Be stoic and in control while dealing with the situation."

Wise words, no doubt, but it is often difficult to be so mature when dealing with particularly annoying offenders. And when it comes to personal space and physical overfamiliarity, of course, a whole new universe of discomfort opens up. History gives us numerous examples of people who've been declared saints for putting up with far less than what women in India have to go through on a regular basis. So when someone, however familiar, makes an uncomfortable advance, don't hesitate to raise a red flag immediately.

THIS HAPPENS: You're on the street, thinking pleasant thoughts, when you see that most charming of sights: someone spitting on the road. Alternatively, you seethe in indignation as someone casually litters, or wanders around scratching themselves in obvious glee. And then there's always the possibility of the spectacle of public urination.

YOUR IMMEDIATE RESPONSE: We are non-violent people, but these sudden visual assaults make us want to react with deadly force. Fortunately, the giant brooms to sweep people away that appear in our imaginations don't exist in the real world. But the urge to shout and shame these people is strong, and easily acted upon. According to humorist Shovon Chowdhury, "It comes down to education. Insanitary conditions affect the mind, behaviour, productivity and even real estate prices. They decline." And this is the sort of decline that often enrages people enough to want to start brawls.

TRY THIS INSTEAD: In these situations, we must remember to add a touch of empathy to our anger. Chowdhury reminds us, "The majority of our population, if they go to school at all, go to government schools where never mind the education, you're not even guaranteed a toilet." Nagaswami would agree, "When public toilets are not available, expecting people not to relieve themselves in public doesn't make sense. When peoples' rights are provided for, one can reasonably expect them to discharge civic responsibilities." Even when it comes to spitting, littering or scratching, in a lot of cases people do it simply because everyone else does so, and no one taught them it was wrong. Which doesn't mean we should just let it go, of course. Balasundaram's advice: "For public nuisances like these, people should come together as a community and respond in innovative ways to create awareness. Step up and be a role model. Confront as the public not as an individual."

THIS HAPPENS: You're with friends or family, hoping to catch up on their lives, and tell them about yours. But throughout, they're busy checking their phones, taking calls or messages or perhaps just browsing through Facebook while completely forgetting you're there and waiting. Alternatively, they're too busy photographing everything, from themselves to food, to focus on any real conversation.

YOUR IMMEDIATE RESPONSE: It's completely understandable if you feel like gently taking their phones and slowly dipping them into the nearest available glass of water. Or yelling some version of 'Me! Me! I'm here!' Except that you probably remain silent and slowly devolve into a heap of self-damaging grumpiness.

And this, of course, doesn't even begin to touch upon the trauma inflicted upon our nerves by people behaving badly online: from outright trolling to relentless self-promotion, unwanted tagging and force-adding to social media groups, aggressive commenting, adding, forwarding and spamming at every possible level.

We must recognize, though, that all of us at some point end up behaving oddly in the virtual space-possibly because the rules of good behaviour online are constantly changing, usually slipping into further chaos every now and then.

According to Shalini Anant, PhD, a faculty member in the psychology department of Mumbai's Tata Institute of Social Sciences, "Having so much technology around is likely to make us feel that everything exists for our consumption and convenience. It is possible that it can make us feel that we don't have to be considerate towards other people or other things. One can speculate that it is the digitized life that makes us inconsiderate but I am not sure if this is how it is, because some of us living the digitized life can be considerate, while  others who are not familiar with technology are prone to inconsiderate behaviour."

TRY THIS INSTEAD: The key is to remember that people turn to devices not to be intentionally rude, but because it's perfectly natural compulsive behaviour in today's world. So criticizing them isn't the solution. Balasundaram advises us, when it's near and dear ones behaving like this, to "pull the emotional plug. Say, 'I miss your company' or 'I want you to talk to me' or 'When you are on the phone while I am talking to you, I feel you are not listening to me.'

"When you are multitasking as a parent (working on a computer, talking to your child, taking a phone call on the side) you are not doing justice to your child. If as a parent you know that your child is missing you, you will sit up and take notice," Balasundaram explains. "Be role models at home and  make a conscious effort. As a family come up with a "screen time rule." Put off the phone while having meals with your family. The phone shouldn't be part of your being. Family time is important and show that your family is priority in action. You may miss a few phone calls... but that's OK. Being purposeful helps."

THIS HAPPENS: You see someone being terribly rude to domestic help, or service staff, or anyone they perceive to be socially inferior.

YOUR IMMEDIATE RESPONSE: Everyone wants to be a knight in shining armour, but in these cases we know it's mostly futile: people's feudal attitudes are often very deeply ingrained. So while publicly shaming people for bad behaviour with those 'serving' them is very tempting, we often tend to judge them and move on.

Anant explains that this behaviour stems from 'in-group' and 'out-group' perceptions. "In-group perception would be how we perceive people who are from within our group or the group we identify with. And out-group perception is just the opposite. Because when we don't interact with the 'other' group we are more likely to dislike them as well as stereotype them, instead of trying to understand their perspective."

TRY THIS INSTEAD: This one's easy: treat people well yourself, without exception, and hope that this behaviour spreads-its rewards are usually easily visible. Dr Shelja Sen, a Delhi-based child and adolescent psychologist and author of All You Need is Love, The Art of Mindful Parenting, reminds us that it's all about learning good behaviour by example at an early age. "I believe in strong values. As adults, if we are building the right values in ourselves and around us, our children will follow it. Giving lectures or sermons or advice to children doesn't work," explains Sen. "Our kids may also pick up things from others they come in contact with. So if your child is being rude to the domestic help, rather than being reactive and angry, gently yet firmly tell the child 'What you just did is not acceptable, we are not rude to people who help us.'  " You can't tell adults the same thing so directly, of course, but every time you behave well with someone, you're making the world better.

LET'S FACE IT: We're all guilty of at least one of the behaviours mentioned here at some point. We've justified it-we were in a hurry, or desperate, or just not paying attention. We've felt bad, but we've gone with it, resolving to try better next time. And that's fine.

It's easy to slip: the point is to know where the line is, and to try to hold it. It's not as if the world we live in now is inherently barbaric: there are just many new ways to behave badly, and too much visible evidence of other people just letting things slide, which always has a cascading effect. But it's not at all difficult to do better. We don't have to aim at being a parfit gentil knight, like PG Wodehouse's Bertie Wooster did. All we have to try to do is be the best we can, and we'll find that nothing happened to good manners: they were within us all along.